she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
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[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.