she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
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My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
mmm onion ringos
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
The options really are this bad
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.