“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
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trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet