Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
You Might Also Like
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
My dog learned how to text
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble