Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
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Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
Note to self: always read the final line
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Breaking news:
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion