@Ideal_Victoria

Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.

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@EJGomez

“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man

@kryzazzy

I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait

@jimmytorosian

*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*

@SvnSxty

driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me

@ellewasamistake

i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

@Up2Long

17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.

@TheAlexNevil

How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?

@sydneyrachel

Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.

@Writepop

So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?

@AKcrazy18

Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.