Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.

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“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man


I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait


*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*


driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me


i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown


17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.


How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?


Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.


So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?


Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.