“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
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i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st