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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
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I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Reporter: *ports again*
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.