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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
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and that鈥檚 why I鈥檓 fat馃き
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you鈥檙e not a psychopath.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
All I鈥檝e ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don鈥檛 ask for much.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he鈥檚 going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson鈥檚 nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Omg 馃ぃ
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year鈥檚 resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
A short story about romance.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don鈥檛 worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that鈥檚 recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
Oh hi lol
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn鈥檛 have a comma named after it.