Shift.
I meant SHIFT!
Oh god.
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*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.