shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
You Might Also Like
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?