*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
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I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides