[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
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i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?