[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
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My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
Holy moly
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.