[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
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Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call