[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
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When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.