Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
You Might Also Like
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
Sending in my taxes
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.