Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
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I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
I’d hang this in my house.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭