Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
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Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.