Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
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In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.