[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
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ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.