Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
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Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears