Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
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[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
Breaking news:
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”