Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
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“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
What flavor cupcake are these
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…