Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
You Might Also Like
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
Donkey Kong sommelier
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*