[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
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if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese