[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
You Might Also Like
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.