shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
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1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
My birthstone is kidney
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
kevin is now a local weatherman
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.