GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
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So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
you stereotypes are all alike
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
She was rare, like a goth jogging
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.