@Reverend_Scott

[Shop class]

Satan: Whatcha makin’?

God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?

Satan: A bong.

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@TheToddWilliams

GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?

ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings

@truegritrumble

So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.

@murrman5

[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow

@stephenjmolloy

Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”

@BradBroaddus

I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.

Now I don’t have any.

@AaronFullerton

To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.

@MoneypennyNaked

I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.

@BrettDruck

Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.