[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
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Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”