Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
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Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.