Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
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bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s