Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
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the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
So we got a goldfish…
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
I see your IQ test came back negative
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.