SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
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You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
The internet is full of many things
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.