[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
You Might Also Like
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
I don’t know what to do
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS