Shopping for a toaster yesterday I came across this review.
“Easy to use instructions.”
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[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
i actually laughed 😩
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
I’m sure we could imagine what it’s like to be conjoined twins if we put our heads together.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
*Creating a new social media app*
“It’s good but will it divide people? If not then what’s the point.”
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.