Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
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Hulk: way ahead of you bud
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
whenever i wake up before my alarm
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
When I snag the last meatball.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea