*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
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I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house