[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
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It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.