[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
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Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?