[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
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last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
I love wikipedia
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Things will get butter, keep churning
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.