Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
You Might Also Like
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
the short answer to this question
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.