Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
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I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”