shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
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“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.