@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
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My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.