Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.

The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!

Me as a lawyer:

-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail

[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME

“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.

I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless

For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.

Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beet

Conclusion: Snickers is a salad

the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together

83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.

The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.

You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?

I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.

Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.

-gestures to everything in the Garage-

Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!

Wife- YOU’RE a tool

Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?

My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock

the perfect number of cats is two stupid cats. preferably siblings. but they can’t both be the same type of stupid. one needs to be stupid (dumb) and one needs to be stupid (annoying)

There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.

[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine

[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really

I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.

Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.

A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.

Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.

Archaeologists now believe our ancestors simply hated dusting

Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.

[breakfast table]

Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either

Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.

I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.

ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload