Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
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As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
584.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like