Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
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“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
work smarter, not harder
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
Broom by every window for quick escape.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.