Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”

Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”

Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours

every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know

Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.

Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.

Me: No, not like that.

Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.

Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.

I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .

Me: i knew you’d pull through

drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man

This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.

I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset

[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottle

Waiter: One ketchup coming up

When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”

Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye

casting director: whenever you’re ready

me: the name’s bond… james bond

casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns

me: no

I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.

The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet

There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.

i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings

I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?

Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”

Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶

Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand

Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes

I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.

Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water

Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever

I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.

I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.

You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.

i hope this email finds you fast and furious

I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.