Should I call tech support or pray or what
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‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone