Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
You Might Also Like
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
Don’t touch that.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
#inspiration #foodforthought
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance