Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
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I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]